HOW OLD IS OLD?
By Brett Autry
I have never thought of myself as old, or even close to
old...until recently. Then, the more I thought about it, the older I
felt, and I realized that I have been old a fairly long time!
I was browsing a music channel on my computer the other day, and
tuned into a “Classic Rock” station. I like that term,
“classic”...it
doesn’t sound too bad, unlike “Oldie Goldies”.
I remember when my parents used to listen to Glenn Miller, the
Dorseys, Billy Eckstine, and the rest of the “Big Band” era
performers. I still love the song, “In The Mood”. In the early
sixties, though, they were WAY out of style, and out of touch, I
thought. Now those were some “Oldie Goldies”.
By that time, the Beach Boys, the Rolling Stones and The Beatles
had taken over the music scene. It was the best music ever, I truly
believed...but then, doesn’t everyone think that of the music of
their generation.
But to get back to my discovery that I was “old”. I thought back
to the music my parents listened to, and remembered thinking it was
for “old” people. Then thinking back I remembered this was around
1963 or so, making that “old” music some 20 years old at the time.
I
looked at the year of the music I was listening to, and realized,
with a start, that my “classic” music was over 40 years old! That
makes most of the Beach Boys near the age of 70 I would think.
Then I remembered back in high school when all the “old” people
would have class reunions during homecoming. Gee whiz, those guys
at
their 20-year class reunion sure did look old. My mind jumped back to
the present, and it dawned on me that this May marks 35 years since I
graduated from CHS.
Like everyone else, I dream of winning the lottery one day, and
buying myself a fancy sports car. You know as well as I do that
“old”
men look ridiculous driving sexy, little, fancy sports cars. To add
to the stupidity of it, they like to wear little caps and leather
gloves, as if that makes them look younger. “Old” people need to
stick to Cadillacs, Lincolns, Mercedes, Lexus, etc. Guess I’ll just
keep driving my pickup where, at least, I don’t look too ridiculous.
Another thing “old” men should never, ever wear is a thong. My
goodness, I’m ashamed just watching them try.
I grew up in the long-haired hippy days, and loved wearing my hair
over my ears. Now I don’t have to worry about hair over my ears,
it’s
the hair on TOP of my ears that matters. Don’t get me started on my
nose.
Loud music will also unmask the “old” people. Instead of yelling
“turn it up” like we did when we were younger, we ask politely if
they can turn it down.
Youngsters who drive fast also irritate “old” people. Of course,
people who drive too slowly get on our nerves, too. In fact, anyone
who doesn’t drive the way we like is a moron or a jerk.
Clothes can also drive the “old” people bonkers. “Hey, kid,
pull
up those shorts! We don’t wanna look at your underwear!” “Turn
your
cap around, moron!” “Did her mother let her go out dressed like
that?”
Remember going parking as a youngster? Now, our idea of going
parking is finding a good space by the front door at WalMart.
Do you recall looking through the Sears Christmas catalog every
year trying to pick out all the toys you wanted? You know you’re
getting old when you get about the same excitement looking through
vitamin catalogs.
Days of Big Macs, french fries, and milkshakes are gone. I spend
my time making smoked turkey sandwiches with fat free mayo on 35
calorie bread. Instead of fries, I manage up to 12 light chips. The
milk shake is replaced with an Atkins drink, or some kind of juice.
You also know when you’re getting “old” when you start
referring
to people in their forties as “kids”. Also, you realize that
seventy
isn’t that old after all....since you’re a heckuva lot closer to 70
than you are to 30.
I’ve got bad knees, a bad back, high blood pressure, gray hair,
failing eyesight, and a bad attitude. In the last year I’ve suffered
from gout, and diverticulitis...those are “old” people maladies.
When does youth officially leave? When does the person you really
enjoyed being, just go away? What determines the timeline, when you
go from feeling pretty good, to feeling pretty lousy most of the
time? My opinion, and it is just an opinion, is that it is those
twenty-odd years when your children live at home, and you actually
have to become a responsible adult (how I hated that term). No one
ever properly prepares you for being a good parent, so it is a shock
to the system, causing you to become old and gray.
People say, “You’re as old as you feel!”. All I can say to
them
is, “You must’ve never hit a lick your whole life! Walk a mile with
my knees, buddy!” They’ll also say, “Old age is just a state of
mind.” I say to them, “I forgot what I was going to say.” Bless
their
hearts...they’re just trying to deny getting old.
So, I’ve given up. I’ve decided to accept the fact that I’m
old.
The other day, I actually signed a form that confirmed my ancient
age...I became a member of AARP. Now where did I leave my cane?