I Can't "Weight"...
BY BRETT AUTRY
Well, it’s almost vacation time once more. It’s a time I dread,
because it’s much harder to prepare for than Christmas or
Thanksgiving. Why? Because vanity raises its ugly head, that’s why.
Fifteen (maybe more) years ago, I would just make a last minute
reservation, pack a few things and head off to the location that
suited my tastes at the time. Of course, back then I weighed 190, had
quite a few dark hairs left, and kept a reasonable tan year round.
2007 sees a totally gray-haired, white-as-a-sheet, beer-bellied
old coot who doesn’t want to embarrass himself or his traveling
companions when he takes off his shirt at the pool. I’ve got a whole
lot of planning to do!
First, I signed up for some tanning sessions. Yes, I know...I was
the one who always said that you can tan much quicker out in the yard
by just wearing your shorts on sunny days. But, some of my neighbors
are elderly, and I don’t want to give them a heart attack by seeing
the “Abominable Snowman” lurking in a Coleman, Texas back yard.
Likewise, some of my neighbors are young kids, and I don’t want them
having nightmares and screaming for their parents.
So, I doled out a fee for a month of tanning, and bought some
tanning lotion stuff that is supposed to make you tan even quicker
and darker than normal. In my way of thinking, a tan fat man looks a
whole lot better than a ghostly pale one.
I have also started a semi-diet to try and trim some of the flab.
One thing is for certain, the older you get, the harder it is to lose
weight. After all, after you reach my age, there isn’t much left that
you can enjoy doing every day, except eat.
Also, I just quit smoking about five weeks ago. At night, sitting in
my recliner, anything and everything sounds good to eat. Heck, I’m
even eating carrots almost nightly. I may not lose weight eating
them, but I’ll be able to see at night!!!
I also have started exercising (well, I did walk once this week).
Getting out of your recliner and walking to the refrigerator counts
as exercise, doesn’t it? I keep my dumbbells by my chair, so that I
actually have to lift them every once in a while to get them out of
my way, and out of my sight.
I have some exercise machines out in my storage shed, and I have
thought about getting them out. But, there is a lot of stuff piled on
them, and where would I put all that stuff. You can’t put it on the
floor, where mice or water might get to them. Besides, that’s a lot
of work clearing all that stuff out of the way just to use a stupid
machine.
Why do we worry about what other people think about the way we
look? Where I’m planning on going, I will never see any of the other
tourists again, so why should I care that I look like an albino Jabba
the Hut.
But, I hate to waste money already spent (except on exercise
machines), so I will probably go to my tanning sessions. At the very
least, after my sessions, you won’t have to put on your sunshades
when I pull off my shirt.
As for my diet, I have been eating nothing but smoked turkey for
days now, and I’m a little tired of it. I have made a Mexican dish
out of it, and bar-b-qued some of it, and thank goodness, it is
almost gone. As I’m writing this, I asked my wife what’s for
supper.
She informed me that I am deep frying chicken. The poultry part is
good, but the deep frying part is bad. So, I might as well eat the
mashed potatoes and gravy she is making to go with it. If I’m going
to bust my diet, I may as well go all the way. Hope there’s biscuits,
too!
Okay, so I guess a tan fat guy won’t look too bad after all.
I’ll
be up to my chest in water most of the time anyway, and my chest
isn’t too fat. On second thought, maybe I should get up to my neck,
although some people would say, go all the way under.